i just want to lay here and spend the day crying.


Just sick of all the b.s

"You can't write a song if you've never lost anything you've truly loved.
You can't start a fire crying in the rain.
So light a fire, leave it all behind.
Hit the road and lose your mind.
Find out what it is you really need."

ill look like that again. just wait.

Sometimes comfort can be a four letter word.

I am completely aware of the fact that I am overweight, and mediocre in the looks department...

Last night though I had a dream (which is weird cause I rarely dream anymore) that you wanted me anyway. Smitten.

I really wish who I AM mattered more.

Just thought that this was cool, of course I am biased (I love Lewis Carroll).

http://www.grand-illusions.com/articles/square_poem/page02.shtml

I'm broke, and tuition needs to be paid... Just an FYI: you can vote more than once, just sayin' lol.

My Favorite Photo (I've Ever Taken) Brickfish

My Favorite Photo (I've Ever Taken) Brickfish

My Favorite Photo (I've Ever Taken) Brickfish

My Favorite Photo (I've Ever Taken) Brickfish

My Favorite Photo (I've Ever Taken) Brickfish

My Favorite Photo (I've Ever Taken) Brickfish

My Favorite Photo (I've Ever Taken) Brickfish

My Favorite Photo (I've Ever Taken) Brickfish

My Favorite Photo (I've Ever Taken) Brickfish

My Favorite Photo (I've Ever Taken) Brickfish

(yes the last one is vain, but i figured why not lol. i mostly picked the ones that always got the most comments elsewhere...*shrug*)

did this last night:





im going to actually paint it... im thinking i want to do watercolors. i need to get myself more familiar with them anyway, plus ive always loved how water colors turn out. (other peoples anyway)


i have an idea for this, and others, mixed with something else. but when its done ill post it. i dont want to give it away just yet in case it doesnt turn out the way i want. a few may already know but not many.

anyway..

i HATE fish and 97% sea creatures. (nice to look at ok, but EW...its an unnatural fear, yes, but mine all the same)

( but this little guy... )

*sigh*

fuck it, i think im going to sell my drum set. im finally coming to the realization of lost cause. sure ive wanted to learn all my life but... ive had the damn things since 2003. i havent learned, its collecting dust... and bigger dreams (not aspirations for a hobby) are pricey, and im determined to make that dream come true (even if it breaks me trying. i refuse to be a "what if-er") so i think im going to bite the bullet. sell it and get some new equipment with the small amount of money ill obtain from it... i paid $800 for the set. ill prob only get like $300... how sad, its barely ever been played... seriously its only been REALLY played like 4 times. *sigh* well see, but. i really think its time. at least someone that will used it should have it.


that rant was longer than it needed to be, but... i needed to put that in writing for myself or i wouldnt go through with it. lol

so here goes nothing. onward dream chaser!








....ps. date tonight...eek.

My "farmers tan" sunburn is pretty ridiculous looking.
rofl.
also its very hard to walk in heels when your legs feel like anchors. (oh lovely another anchor reference lol)


i feel like sketching out some new pieces today, i always WANT to, but lack motivation... i think i have some, enough anyway. well see.

*edit*
Wait! I have the Ryan Adams show tonight with Xiomara...just kidding.
Where is my brain. *shakes head*


also... apparently Fccj is not offering any art classes summer semester?(from what i can tell) not even photography?... *glares evilly at the Artemis page*

"You grow up readin' about pirates and cowboys and spacemen and stuff, and jus' when you think the world's all full of amazin' things, they tell you it's really all dead whales and chopped-down forests and nucular waste hangin' about for millions of years. 'Snot worth growin' up for, if you ask my opinion."
- Adam (the Antichrist) Young (Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch by Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett)

So I was going through my Facebook groups I joined, and found one i forgot about "I picked a major I like, and one day I will probably be living in a box"
which of course amused me greatly seeing as for the past 3 months Ive referred to my future as being doomed to a cardboard box (with an excellent view of that dumpster in the alley where ill probably get all my food from) This was their description if you care to know.

"So, you got to college- GREAT! Good for you! Perhaps it took you a year to find what you wanted. Maybe when you got to college you knew EXACTLY what you wanted to do. Or maybe you knew going in what your personal game plan was going to be. No matter how you found it, you found something that you were passionate about, and it wasn't because of a promise of overflowing funds at the end of the day, it was just because you loved it. Who cares about the fact that you may be making less then the national poverty level? Who cares that at the end of the day you will most likely end up with your residence as "1 cardboard box lane" - You certainly don't! Your cardboard box will be a magnificent sight, complete with flaps and windows you will create yourself by cutting holes with your swiss army knife. If you'd like, you can pick flowers for atmosphere as well. It won't matter- creative people will create beauty.......... even from a plain cardboard box.

At social gatherings and family affairs, when asked "what do you plan on doing with THAT degree?", you simply smile and say, "being happy and doing what i love". Yes, it may frustrate you that not everyone can understand the concept of doing something you like, but you can revel in the fact that you do. And when your friends are bitching and moaning about having 7 years of med school, or are pissed they have to take LSATS and apply for law school or even when you see people making the morning commute to work, looking annoyed, unhappy, and agitated, you can smile to yourself, safe in the knowledge that you are commuting for something you care about, something that doesn't make you a bitchy mess.

Your parents are constantly asking you what you're going to do with your life once you graduate and scoff at your passion. That's o.k.- you KNOW you will make it work somehow. From english, theatre, voice & dance to ethnomusicology, marine biology, languages, history and everything in between- this is the group that celebrates your creativity, your imagination, your vision, your individuality and your strength in character for choosing the career path that will make you happiest.

Because it's not about money, it's about love & passion for what you do."






hey look! there i am now!


*sigh* at least i can draw doodles on the sidewalk and take pictures of my amazing house right?
My "amazing house"---->

haha i laughed at that actually.




oh i thought it was also funny on the photography community i just joined they had links up for BOTH of the lenses i was looking at (one i purchased yesterday actually) and another one Ive had my eye on, so that makes me feel better about my lens decisions. *shrug*


Art walk last night was pretty nice. I swear im saving up money to buy one of Grant's paintings (my fave local artist) if i had had $200 to spare last night i probably would have, impulsively... Good friend, Good beer, Good art. I needed it. To get out of the house and force myself into public interaction that is.

I feel anxious, and im not sure why or what for, i just do. And i don't like not knowing why i feel the way i feel.

ok im going before i sound anymore like a lunatic than i already do.

http://www.amazon.com/Canon-70-200mm-2-8L-Telephoto-Cameras/dp/B00006I53X


....


* Focal length: 70-200mm (ooh ahh)
* Maximum aperture: 1:2.8
* Lens construction: 23 elements in 18 groups
* Diagonal angle of view: 34 to 12 degrees (o.O)
* Focus adjustment: Inner focusing system with USM
* Closest focusing distance: 4.3 feet (heat!)
* Zoom system: Rotating type
* Filter size: 77mm
* Dimensions: 3.4 inches in diameter, 7.8 inches long
* Weight: 3.24 pounds
* $1,699.00

I think I would li...wait WHAT!?!?!?
"* $1,699.00"

$^%&%)&%&%T&^%&*^&^(*^ *THUD*

*wakes up and sobs uncontrollably at her poverty and her shattered dreams* (i can be such a drama queen lol)

...alexis can you bring me a hug napkin for the bits of homemade lens frownie that i seem to have gotten on my face?

I FINALLY CLEANED IT (my room)!!!!

( Before... Prepare your eyes for the horror... )

( During )

( After )

Next Project...
THE BATTLE OF THE SPARE ROOM!

BUT! I finally have a bed! And that's heat!

If you dont know you arent cool.